The Hardest Part of Leaving for War... [Updated]

One soldier saying goodbye over and over... with one daughter too young to understand anything that is going on

My Division, the Germany-based 1st Armored Division, is deploying to Iraq again for the first time since 2004. Most of its soldiers just shipped off within the last four days. I am one of the few who are staying behind, because I returned from my last deployment back in February of this year and was allowed some dwell time.

I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I can't stand to see my unit and friends leaving without me. On the other hand, my daughters have already had to live without their father for more than 26 months out of the last five years.

If you have family, you know what's the hardest part about deploying? It's the very last few hours of the last day. You can't relax because you have so many last minute things to do, and are constantly looking at the clock because you are worried about being late. And looking at the clock is a continuous reminder about how little time you have left. I only have 5 hours left with my family, four hours left, three hours left, etc... What should I tell them? What should I do? How can I make these last moments count? It also doesn't help that the hours you ship off are sometimes not the easiest for small children; these pictures here were taken between midnight and three in the morning.

Some soldiers assembled for last minute roll call. The center figure in the black jacket is the commander of the 1st Armored Division, Major General Mark Hertling

Then you have the agonizing problem of exactly when to say goodbye. At home? before you get in line to draw your weapon? Or just before your unit actually boards the bus to take you to your military flight? Both times I've had to deal with this I had crying children clinging to me, and it was very difficult to extricate myself (especially when I didn't want to leave either!). You can get around this problem by leaving home while the children are asleep, but then you feel like you missed being able to really say goodbye to them. Either way, it's a very difficult situation to deal with.

On top of this, it's especially hard for families dealing with going to war for the first time. Even though the odds of any one soldier being killed are statistically very small, everybody's worried that they won't see their loved ones again.

Still, it's much easier for families to stay in touch than it was in 2003, and it's light years ahead of the level of communication possible during previous wars. Phoning home is easier, internet is much more available, and mail arrives faster too. The military is also much better at dealing with family members back home as well. We create what are called "family support groups", in which volunteers set up an email list to keep everyone informed, hold regular meetings, and offer support to spouses who need it. To make things simple, there is also a single web site, MilitaryOneSource.com, that will refer family members to the answer for almost any conceivable problem they might have.

Another couple making their farewells

This is more important than you might think, since it makes it very hard to concentrate on your job in a theater of war when you are worried about the welfare of your loved ones back home.

UPDATE 28/09/2007 11:10:00 PM:
Since a few military spouses seem to be interested in hearing "the other side" of deployments, I'll expand on that a bit: After you finally say goodbye, and you are riding/flying away, the first feeling is a bit of relief that the painful goodbye episode is finally over. Then comes a bit of guilt that you're feeling so relieved. Then sets in a bit of panic worrying about the 100 things you're sure you forgot to take care of before you go.

After that, the first few days are not too hard. You are generally so busy and adjusting to a fresh environment, and confronted with so many new things that you hardly have time to think about the family back home. But after settling in, that's where the worries kick in too; Are the kids OK? Is my wife being faithful? Are the bills going to be paid? After a few months of no indications of problems at home, you feel a little more comfortable that everything will be OK, so your worries decrease a bit. But that's replaced with homesickness as the long period of separation makes you miss the family more. Photographs are particularly painful. On my first deployment, I had family pictures all over the wall next to my bunk and sometimes they would drive me to tears... On my second deployment, I didn't put out any photos of the family at all, and I hate to say it, but I missed them a lot less, and the separation was much easier to deal with.

But during the days you have to do something. You watch movies or TV shows on DVD and see people doing normal things - the things you used to do. You miss simple things like just going to the grocery store or driving your own car. You are standing on a Baghdad streetcorner at night, weapon in hand, watching out for snipers, and thinking: "What day is it? Isn't this Saturday? Tonight my buddies back in the old neighborhood are out on the town, hitting the nightclubs, or getting laid, while I'm living like a monk out here with no women or alcohol, and dodging bullets at the same time".

Sorry to be brutally honest, but that's what 90% of the guys are thinking. Guaranteed.





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